Sunday, March 1, 2009

Could you be loved?

The lesson that seems to come through so many facades in life, for which we use clichés like ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’, has come to mind over the last few days. Is it a bad idea to cradle this idea of your knight in shining armor, your lifelong love? Is love not surrounding us at this very moment? Greater, yet, than I can understand or realize in its fullness, and still I want something more.

The last love of that kind came into my life when I was completely caught unawares. Struggling day after, almost every day, to celebrate small, subtle successes or freedoms. Gaining an understanding, or perhaps a reunion with the presence of All Love, which I think I knew, as most do, very well as a kid. I was there, in the stress and anxiety of a tremendous responsibility, teaching kids caught in the throws of generations of struggle. No change, no success, no love was simply not a possibility, not for these kids.

I learned the value of waking earlier to relax, laying flat in my bed, being “present” with the calmness of a dark, humid morning, before entering the sea of teenage angst coupled with a shocking, failing education system. Learning that even the smallest break or accomplishment, is a step in the right direction. Be grateful, count our blessings and we will receive more.

A meager romantic life during this time, but my professional life, or dare I say my path, calling as it were, was providing constant companionship. In addition to the struggle, there were numerous blessings, friends, beach volleyball Sundays ending at Harley’s on the backside of the bayou, and trips to Mexico during our much needed school vacations. A few rodeos, sleeping in small border town churches during a protest march with my comrades, a smoky karaoke bar on South Padre Island, running along the border levy with Gordo, with giant stalks of Agave growing on the Mexican side, the look of people in the supermarket when a hipped-out Latino teenager bumps knuckles with me in the checkout line. For all the gripe of the education system there, my personal life was full, even without a man. It was then I became peaceful with life as it was even with the exhaustion from school days spent holding our ground against the low student expectations set by our leaders. I towered over men in town and definitely found it difficult to relate to most. But life was so full, and getting fuller with each day.

It was at that time, when I was content and charging down the path, that I fell in love. Totally threw the plans for a loop, but such a beautiful gift it was; I thought it was the real deal. That relationship is over now, and my path is getting more fulfilling and incredible as I go. It is as though, now, I crave, do I admit to it?- The One.

Even as I type that the phrase, “ We always want what we don’t have.” Could that be true, am I just focusing on a ‘want’ that I don’t have, rather than all of the other ‘wants’ and needs that I DO have? The life I am being blessed with is incredible. I could desire no more, I already have more than I know what to do with.

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